Words to Fall on Deaf Ears

Christmas

Sun, 28 Dec 2008 23:59:15 GMT

I'm home. I got spoiled. I got stiffed. I had a fine time with my family and then we argued like champs. I'm worried about work tomorrow. I'm so done with 2008.

lazy

Wed, 24 Dec 2008 04:30:25 GMT

I should be packing to go spend Christmas with my family. Instead, I beat all the songs on my level of guitar hero and am about to paint my nails. Way to waste time!

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 21:50:46 GMT

Midway and O'hare in 2 days, wow what a weekend. I'm wiped out. Done working, time for watching Gossip Girl, having a bubble bath and enjoying the rest of my Sunday afternoon.

I'm tired of feeling lousy

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 01:18:09 GMT

Saturday night I thought I was just tired from a long day. I was in bed by 9:30. Woke up Sunday feeling like I was hot flashing. By the time we were at dinner on Sunday night I was miserable. I've been stuffy nosed and sore throated since then. We had our work Christmas party today from 2-5 so I brought stuff home to work on for it to be done and ready tomorrow morning. I just decided to screw that. I stopped working. I will now go take a hot bath, get in my pjs and be asleep by 9pm.

Sat, 06 Dec 2008 13:02:09 GMT

It's saturday, 7:01am. I'm awake. I could've hit the sleep button 3 more times. But I'm up. Have been since 4. It's gonna be a loooong day.

.....aaaaaand it's Winter.

Sat, 06 Dec 2008 03:14:30 GMT

It's winter in Chicago. My toes are cold. My hair is frozen. I couldn't ask for anything better. I <3 Snow!!!!

I choose to live without you. Now go to hell.

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 22:09:56 GMT

Hate you hate you hate you. This time last year I was with you. You poisoned my life. Your memory is a cancer in my brain, eating devouring ruining moments you’ve never seen. Like a muscle I keep pulling, it never quite heals. I have sex and I think of you. You took that from me. I listen to Jimmy Eat World and I think of you. You took that from me. I burned everything I wore when I was with you. I threw out my bedsheets. I cut my hair and changed the color. You scared me in ways I couldn’t express. Truthfully, you scare me still. You drank and scared me. You lied and scared me. You made things up. Did you really think I was stupid? Did you really want me to believe you? To believe that you were some noble war hero. Did you really think you could take my name? That I would let you take over my life to the point of changing the expression of my whole self. You were a nobody. You are a nobody. You did bad things that screwed you up. I refuse to let them ruin me. When you said you didn’t know me, I told you to ask me a question. You asked what I thought of you going to war. Newsflash, that wasn’t about me. You said you loved me. You couldn’t have loved me. I’m all about me and you thought I was all about you. Go away. Go crawl in a hole and die. Go get the cancer you kept saying your doctor said you were getting. Go drink yourself into liver failure. Go smoke yourself into emphysema. Just go. Far away. Get out of my city. Part of me wants to get hypnosis to forget you. Part of me is afraid that if I do that, I won’t have the necessary fear of you. That fear that despite my ruination, keeps me alive. That fear that told me to move my home, that fear that told me to leave you, that fear that told me to run to CB whenever you were on my floor, that fear that made me leave my job to escape. I’m glad you’re older than me, that means you’ll die sooner.

becky is....

Sun, 23 Nov 2008 05:22:54 GMT

....listening to the killers and making a mess. Why do i get left home alone?

I'm stressed

Fri, 12 Sep 2008 01:02:04 GMT

i haven't been on in a while and my head is a big tangly mess. Meg and I are supposed to move in the next couple weeks, but things have been so up in the air that I don't really have anything done for it. I mean, I've got some boxes packed but there's still crap all over my room.

I totaled my car on Saturday. Yep, the car I have had one year, totaled it. And it wasn't even my fault. Some jerky guy in a big new SUV decided he would turn left, right into oncoming traffic. Moron. Well, blue book is gonna suck so I'm about to wipe my savings account to buy yet another car. You're killing me smalls.

Matt, who is once again back in the picture, is being so nice but so irritating. I do NOT need to be handled. Yes, my car is gone. Yes, I'm upset. Yest, I'm gonna be super poor again. No, I am not on my way to a nervous breakdown. No, I do not need you to make it all better. No, your fluttering around me is not making it better, it's making it worse, go away!

We've barely been back together 2 weeks and I'm already irritated. Why do I get myself into this? Mom, who already has our china pattern picked out (back off Mom!), says that I'm in no fit state to make decisions about stuff right now because I'm so traumatized. I think she's the one who's traumatized. I'm having a problem, I'm dealing with it. This is just a big problem.

And now that I'm writing about it, I'm even more confused.

And student loans are kicking my ass, I need to deal with them but the car has taken over as the more immediate problem. And I got a bill tonight saying my claim for health insurance reimbursement was rejected because I haven't met the enormous deductible yet. Well, swell. Meaning I have to cancel my appointment for monday cuz there's no way I can pay what I'd have to for that right now. I need to find an in network doctor and fast, I've only got a month of yaz left and I needs it my precious.

ok, I need to go collapse into a gibbering mess now. Maybe I just need to send an email.

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 01:39:27 GMT

I'm still arguing with my mom and now my dad and I've eaten an entire box of macaroni and cheese and like a dozen chocolate chip cookies. I need help.

What's with Today, today?

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 15:15:57 GMT

My world is a mess. Yesterday was rough with deadlines at work, then I had a lovely walk at the park where I ran into Joe, the same guy I started talking to last week at the park. We had a fabulous long conversation at the end of which he gave me his number; I giggled all the way home about Joe the hot paramedic. Dad called about me calling Mom about our argument. I got home, Meg came home while I was eating cereal; I told her about Joe and she said “you always meet dudes.” I think she was upset with me, or the situation or something, at any rate, she wasn’t into talking. I want to jump for joy about him and the whole thing but I have bigger fish to fry.

Then I bit the bullet and called my mom because Dad said to, said they’d talked and things were better. They weren’t. She had no idea why I was calling, said she didn’t want a pity call. It wasn’t a pity call, it was a “did you finally understand what I was saying call.” Clearly, she didn’t. We hung up, I called Christie to gauge stuff, she has no idea what’s going on because she’s been hiding from all the craziness. In the middle of my call, Mom beeped over with “Are we really that bad off that you can’t even talk to me on the phone?” Well, yeah, we haven’t been able to talk on the phone in months – you’ve gotten too obnoxious for everyone. I told her I wrote you a letter, I talked to you Saturday, there’s nothing left to say and I’m not backing down from this one. She can knock my lifestyle and my behavior all she wants, I can argue about that and give ground easily, but this isn’t something I’m compromising over. She can understand what I’m saying or she can be stubborn, but I’ve said my peace and as much as I’ve put up with in the past year or two, I’m done putting up with it. I reached my breaking point, doesn’t she realize that’s why Christie hides from her, because she can’t take it anymore either? She’s driving everyone away.

With deadlines, my stupid family, feeling like a cow and feeling guilty about being such a shit friend to everyone not to mention the everyday stuff I have to deal with like dishes, laundry, whatever, I’m near to bursting into tears. I’m tempted to make up with her just to get something off my plate. I’ve clearly let applying for jobs slide to the wayside as I just don’t have the damn time for it. I’m hiding in books again like I did in high school, hell, I read at stoplights on my commute – can we say avoiding thinking? I think I can.

I'm gonna stay out and play out without you

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 14:01:06 GMT

Having a tiny moment of despair. My paycheck isn’t in my account yet. Getting paid from a new division, hoping it’s a paper check today. Otherwise, I don’t know when they would cut another check for me. I will be screwed like somebody’s prison bitch. EDIT: I got a paper check for one week of work. Panicked, popped over to Jim. He made some investigations. They’re cutting a paper check for the other week of work and fed-exing it. I’ll have it Monday. Phew. Despair gone!

In other news, our wireless router at home isn’t working, hasn’t been since like Tuesday. My computer’s internet cable comes out of the router. Meg said last night “Since we’re likely going to be moving, we’ve got one computer with the internet, do we really need to call the cable guy?” Um, YES! We’re giving the router a break today, think it overheated in this shittay weather. But if I still have no internet tomorrow morning, we are calling the cable guy.

Had this strange dream last night. Was having sex with some random, rather wholesome looking boy in the park, saw the asshole who shall not be named mowing the park grass. Flipped out cuz he should never ever be anywhere in my suburbs. There was some old fashioned bandstand out there which I dropped my vitamin water beneath and hid under there figuring out what to do. I crawled out and suddenly I was in an apartment, asshole was at the door flanked by two cops who immediately arrested him. Then I was laying in a driveway with the wholesome guy and he said “This is where we first made love.” And I laughed cuz that’s such a pansy thing to say and couldn’t figure out why we were in a driveway. I decided this is my brain figuring shit out:
1. I’m ready to move on/moving on with new guys
2. Am spending way too much time in the park
3. Am terrified of seeing the scary ex
4. Am drinking way too much vitamin water
5. The cops arresting him so quickly and him suddenly disappearing means my brain knows he’s really not gonna bother me anymore

I'm in a damn good mood!

I am so effin tired

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 02:35:41 GMT

I need a weekend to rest from my weekend.

long ass drive stuck on LSD - Lucio said there was a big cab accident, fuckin taxis
thai food and too much light
torrential downpour driving home, scary scary, pulling over to hide from the bad weather scary
way too early cable guy
thwarted visit to scott, coffee, rummy, tea
indian takeout, borders, hellboy, hellboy 2, scott calls, long ass drive home again
long ass drive stuck on LSD take 2, stuck on North ave, lot full, driving around Schiller Park for an hour looking for parking, lot past oak street beach, looong walk to north ave. beach,
beach!, friends, fun, frisbee, volleyball, sand, cold lake michigan
long walk back to car, expensive valet
avoiding LSD down State and Wabash, bug in car
crusin down 55 to Stadium Arcadium
home, ghettofied dinner, SLEEP

Work....not enough sleep.....is it Friday yet?

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 02:10:37 GMT

Boys are confusing. Why do I let them confuse me?

My car cd player broke. That makes me very sad.

My roommate is spraying lysol like it's going out of style.

There's too much in my head and not enough time.

What's in my purse?

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 01:58:14 GMT

Tagged by gal8028

Take a picture of your purse, then dump it out and take a picture of that. Explain what you've got in there.

My wallet, raggedy because I can't get rid of it, it's my system and I like it. It contains my checkbook, cards, money and a load of receipts I haven't written down yet. It's messy!

- My makeup bag – this little silver thing from a Clinique bonus holds a pile of lipsticks, glosses, and probably half a dozen lip balms and chapsticks.

- My keys – both sets. One has the remote unlocker for my car on it, the other has keys to my parents' house, both obviously have keys to my house and my car. The Becky key ring I got from Ginger and Shivu on my 22nd birthday, it's lasted a darn long time.

- gum, obviously for all my gum needs.

- a gum wrapper cuz where else am I gonna put it?

-Pocket packs cuz you can never have fresh enough breath.

- Silver sharpie, I started carrying this around a couple years ago when I went to a meet n greet. I've replaced it once cuz you never know when you're going to need to ask for a signature.

- Hello Kitty notepad. My roommate's mom got it for me for Christmas. It's handy when I need to write a note down, mostly names of songs I hear on the radio or books at the store that I need to look up later.

- bottle of aspirin for when I'm struggling.

- a packet of Sudafed for my stuffy head allergy headaches

- pens for writing on my notepad.

- a pot of Madgabs lip lube in almond. A lip balm addiction, yes, I have one. I got hooked on this particular brand when Meganne brought a blackberry pot of it back from her road trip. It's all natural, it's tasty and my sister got me almost a dozen for Christmas. They feed the addiction.

- travel sunscreen – SPF 70 cuz I’m a pasty little beasty.

- compact, cover girl powder in the palest shade they make. Because you need powder and a mirror on you at all times.

-oil blotting sheets to remove the shine before putting on the powder.

- eye drops for my contacts. I get squinty and blind if I have to wear them too long or if I'm tired so I moisturize my eyeballs.

- Speaking of moisturizing, a little bottle of lotion, it's Bath and Body, I stole it from the hotel we stayed at over Christmas. I actually can't stand the smell but it fits so nicely in my purse, I can't get rid of it

- a handful of change that fell out of my wallet

- Dave and Buster's tickets, two lonely leftover tickets from when we went out there last month. I saw my runaway cousin that night. I also ate chocolate fondue, a total score in my book. These are the tickets we didn't use to buy the talking Darth Vader statue that guards our kitchen.

- My MP3 player in its little case. It holds music.

- Mascara, this little guy came out of a Clinique bonus, for freshening the eye makeup. I started carrying it last year when I got caught in the rain and lost the makeup on one eye (gimpy umbrella). I was called Alex from Clockwork Orange, it creeped me out. I had to wash it all off.

- Sunglasses – two pair cuz I bought the red and white ones in a knee-jerk and still had the others. I have a sunglass fetish, I love them after so many years of not being able to wear anything but prescription. Plus, it gets too damn sunny out. I can't walk around without protecting my vampire eyes.

The End! I carry a lot of stuff with me. And normally I have a book in there, but the library one I'm reading is too big to fit for very long.

The Economy Sucks

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 23:04:20 GMT

I just got let go/downsized. I've only been at the damn place a month. I quit my last job where the ship was sinking and our department was under the axe to come here where apparently, the situation is the same. I have until the end of next week there. I'm beyond pissed. I'm panicked. I will be poor poor poor.

I am going to the mattresses. I will not be beaten!

Who Won the Democratic Presidential Nomination....??....OBAMA!!!!

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 03:32:08 GMT

Obama won the Democratic Presidential Nomination tonight! Yet Hilary refuses to step back gracefully accepting her defeat. Bitch needs to get the memo.

O8AMA!!!

I'm feeling stimulated....economically

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 01:44:48 GMT

I went out for a lovely relaxing walk after I made dinner, quesadillas. I hail to Christie and Erin for sharing the secret of quesadilla making at dinner yesterday. We enjoyed the tastiness of Elephant and Castle after seeing Avenue Q which was hands down the funniest thing I've seen in ages, everything in it sounded like they were writing about our lives.

Back to the point, I was out for a walk and once my feet start moving forward they keep going of their own accord, so a couple turns around the pond turned into a 40 minute joy in the twilight summer air. The cottonwoods have poufed, filling the air with swirly dancing delicate puffs of white. After I came in and after I washed up the dinner dishes, I went over to the table to get my book from my bag so I could go read a while. What was on the kitchen table, praytell? Was it the mail? Was it my economic stimulus check? OH HECK YEAH!!

I have money, la la la!!! Suddenly my $25 splurge on ONE hair product at Ulta this weekend doesn't seem so bad.

And pepper will officiate

Sat, 31 May 2008 02:16:38 GMT

Tonight's dinner at Panera introduced me to my future wife. I'm going to marry a bowl of corn chowder. I'm in love....with soup.

We are the misfits

Thu, 29 May 2008 02:43:05 GMT

I'm running around in a face mask making monster noises at my roommate. She's thinking of having me committed. Moisturization and terror all at the same time, whee!

Too many adjectives

Wed, 28 May 2008 00:55:08 GMT

I'd like to mention that I really REALLY like my new job. I have a whole hour lunch, and we take them. I ate, went to best buy where I splurged on Silversun Pickups and even went for a walk, all on lunch! Taha!

I'd also like it to be known that I have a mack truck driving around in my head, trying to break out through my skull. In short, I have a pounding headache. Prescription is tea and a Jane Austen movie.

Tue, 27 May 2008 00:26:56 GMT

The flood in our basement seems to have washed some ants up. I've killed 3 in my bedroom today. So creepy. I have ant traps everywhere. I am thoroughly grossed out.

Mon, 26 May 2008 19:35:52 GMT

I slept through a huge rainstorm last night. Big enough to flood our building's basement. And I slept right.through.it. Sleepy panda. But it's to be expected when you spent the day before getting up at the crack of dawn to screw and unscrew little bolts with your little fingers cuz you have the tiniest hands in the house. And it turned out that the thing you were unscrewing wasn't even the problem. Or that the night before that you were out in your driveway late with a cup of water, a sponge and some paper towels wiping egg off your car. Egg because some stupid punks were graduating and decided to egg your car parked on the street outside the house where you were enjoying a dinner party.

1st Day

Thu, 22 May 2008 12:02:56 GMT

Today's my 1st Day at my new job!

One Day More!

Wed, 21 May 2008 11:28:47 GMT

Countdown: 1 day!

8 hours left of my old job, 24 hours til I start my new job.